Yeah...and so, anyway...

I don't know how to completely express what I'm feeling right now, but it's been steadily increasing every day. This...whatever it is...began with that night I happened to be on Twitter, and the protests over the Iran elections broke out. I found myself up until 2 am, reading tweets and passing them on. That's when I first noticed the fire in my solar plexus. The image of myself that I received is of one of those old fashioned train engines that had been left broken down and rusting in a rail yard, forgotten and considered useless. Then a group of history buffs and train enthusiasts decide that the old girl still has a lot more use left in her, so they repair and clean her up, load up the water and coal and start her up. She's slow moving at first; it's been a long time since she's moved even an inch. Her entire body feels stiff and cranky. But she chugs along, enjoying the ride and seeing how much the landscape around her has changed since she was out of...

I have Nikhil Ravi from the blog The Quest for Certitude to thank for the inspiration for this post. I had read this passage before, but as always, I was "shut out as by a veil" in my spiritual understanding. I'm not claiming that I completely understand Baha'u'llah's Words now. But as I slowly let go of my distractions i.e. addictions (also known as idle fancies and vain imaginings), I can see meaning where there was previously confusion. Or even worse, I had pride-fogged disregard of the words because I felt that they pertained to others, not me. The ego plays such subtle games with the mind. "O YE peoples of the world! Know assuredly that My commandments are the lamps of My loving providence among My servants, and the keys of My mercy for My creatures. Thus hath it been sent down from the heaven of the Will of your Lord, the Lord of Revelation. Were any man to taste the sweetness of the words which the lips of the All-Merciful have willed to utter, he...

Yep, I'm back online, FINALLY! One thing I have learned over and over again the past few months of being off line-- everything is in God's Will , not mine. The problem is, I forget that a lot, which is why I work a 12 step program for food addiction. I won't go into much detail about that on this blog anymore because I'm going to create another blog to discuss my food and other addiction issues. More about that later, but let it suffice to say that the more I work my 12 step program, the more the words of Baha'u'llah resonate deeper within me: Hold ye fast unto His statutes and commandments, and be not of those who, following their idle fancies and vain imaginings, have clung to the standards fixed by their own selves, and cast behind their backs the standards laid down by God. (Baha'u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 24) Thou beholdest, O my God, how every bone in my body soundeth like a pipe with the music of Thine inspiration, revealing the signs of ...

Mom with my grandson Xavier, when he was a newborn. Eulogy for Mary Ellen Shortt (To an individual believer, March 27, 1938) "'Evolution in the life of the individual starts with the formation of the human embryo and passes through various stages, and even continues after death in another form. The human spirit is capable of infinite development "'Man's identity or rather his individuality is never lost. His reality as a person remains intact throughout the various states of his development. He does not pre-exist in any form before coming into this world.' (Compilations, Lights of Guidance by Shoghi Effendi, p. 536) How do you capture a lifetime of diverse moments in a few paragraphs? Mom used to tell all us kids that we could do anything if we really wanted to do it. But as life would reveal to me over the years, there are some things that are simply out of my control, if not downright impossible. Capturing a lifetime of experiences on paper is one o...

I guess I'm not supposed to be distracted from what I'm doing right now, which is: 1)Celebrating one year of intense recovery from food addiction and a loss over 80 pounds as of October 1; 2) Being fully present in my life and taking the "next right action" instead of pondering and daydreaming about the future all the damn time; 3) Marveling at the fact that God has kept me serene and abstinent while placing my mother in a skilled nursing facility and dealing with all the legal/emotional issues of being her conservator while my father continues to drink and wonder why Mom can't live with him anymore. I had to take action to ensure that my mother receives the care she needs, and my Dad can't care for her anymore. No one in the family can. I feel guilt, sadness and anxiety, but I still eat only my three weighed and measured meals, one day at a time! This is truly a MIRACLE! Praise God! He is God! All are His servants, and all abide by His bidding! 4) My favo...

(Yes, I know the title doesn't make sense. It's a Kikongo word for a type of bean that grows in the jungles of Africa that without reason or warning, makes up its own mind when it wants to flourish. When manguwansi decides that it has fed the people quite enough, it shrivels up and dies. It is quite temperamental. Manguwansi is also the nickname for a friend who doesn't think much of himself, and exhibits behaviors reminiscent of his namesake. I pray for him nightly. This is an open letter for him. Life has brought me some unexpected gifts lately. In a space of one week, I am getting a date with my orthopedic surgeon, I have granted the opportunity to create three different programs, two program are focused on teaching basic and creative writing skills to adults, and the other a character education program for the preschoolers who live in my apartment complex. And all of this is flexible enough to be happen around my surgery. Why did this happen? Not because I'm "l...

...I just wanted to get up to date and let y'all know I'm still amongst the living! First things first--recovery is working today. I had to lose some more of my severely entrenched "self-will run riot" and gain a lot more fear and respect for my addiction. I am truly, 100% powerless; I'm more convinced of that every nanosecond. People have told me, "You're doing so well; the weight is just melting away!" Well, they can't see into the malevolent tsunami that is my food-addled brain, and how much praying and talking to God I have to do to keep eating my three meals a day and all the rest of the stuff that I do on a daily basis. It isn't me doing this; I swear. I have never turned away from my family's homemade macaroni and cheese in the entire fifty years I've lived on this planet. But I did just that this past week. Twice. I'm going to skip the food "porn" description of the Shortt family's baked macaroni and ...

I received the movie "The End of the Affair" from Netflix last Tuesday, but I didn't watch it until Sunday evening. The reason why I took so long to watch it was I couldn't shake off the chilling sense of foreboding every time I thought about putting the movie into my DVD player. My practical sense finally took over and told me to watch it. After all, that's why I pay the fees to Netflix each month, whether I watch a new movie or not. So I fixed my little meal of a turkey burger (all white meat,and it turned out to be rather dry), spinach and green beans, and sat down to a solo "dinner and a movie" date. Hey, it's the best I can do these days. The first sign of trouble was that I couldn't keep the spinach down, and I kept pausing the movie to dash to the bathroom. I didn't cook the spinach or the turkey burger in enough broth so it was sufficiently digestible for my surgically altered stomach. I won't do that again. I can't have ...

First of all, recovering from hernia surgery during allergy season is really, really messed up. Every time I sneeze or cough, I pray that I'm not busting the stitches open. So I'm practicing cough and sneeze control, taking Claritin during the day, benedryl at night, ingesting massive doses of Vitamin C, zinc and those dissolving herbal seasonal allergy tablets developed by the company that brought us "Airborne" tablets (and yes, it seems to help) and being thankful that I don't have to do much of anything these days except stay in my apartment. I'm an absolute mess. So in the spirit of taking it easy one day at a time and accepting life on life's terms, not mine, I'm going to indulge in a little levity here. I found these fun little tests in my draft folder, and so I'm going to post some of them. I don't remember when I took these tests, but as usual, I got distracted and didn't remember that I intended to use them. Well, nothing else...

I had to purchase a new copy of Windows XP, and I lost all of my old documents, except for the ones I remembered to back up. Strangely enough, I'm not too upset about it. I have other concerns that are a lot more pressing. Apparently God has a much higher opinion of my capability to handle all of the issues of daily living than I do. You know that old saying, "God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle"? Well, you have my complete permission to slap the next person you hear say that. Ooops. Loki is supposed to be gone now. I'm supposed to be sweet and loving and spiritual right now with the moon in Pisces. Well, I'm not. I'm abstinent and working my recovery program today. That's as good as it gets, as far as I'm concerned. Like I've said in the past, it's a miracle that I'm not trying to run over slow-moving old women in the aisles of the grocery store like I used to when I was stark, raving abstinent. That is what I cal...

I wanted to post a picture of my wonderful grandson, Xavier, but for some reason it wouldn't publish. It's a shame because that picture represents so many things to me. Mostly love, the wonder of God and life, and hope for the future. I just love my grandson so much! He is a shining light in my life, as my children are. I bought a baby signs video so we can both learn how to do sign language. I wish I could spend more time with him, but then again, I'm not exactly healthy enough to keep up with a bouncing baby who has figured out that crawling is sublime, and can hardly sit still in my lap anymore. I spent last night in ER. It turns out that I have more wreckage of my eating past than I ever imagined. I have a hernia that began tearing open before I had gastric bypass surgery. Of course, I didn't know. Listening to my body's "help me" signals has never been something I've done in life. The massive weight gains and losses stretched the membra...

I finished revising the story, and it's in the pipe to the editor. It was a struggle, but I got it done, along with my homework. That's a good feeling. Bad feeling--I'm losing one-third of my income. I'm considered permanently disabled because of my missing left hip, but since I've worked in excess of nine months over the past two years, I'm showing the ability to work. This action doesn't take into account that I a) don't work more than twenty hours a week, and earn very little money; b) I can't pay my rent with my earnings, much less live on it; c) I need the health benefits available through Medicare. So I have to go through the appeals process to get my benefits re-established. So no more working, at least for now. I can still take classes and volunteer in the Writing Center to keep my skills current, but only for a six hours a week. Serious bummer. But maybe this is a blessing. I have been praying for the courage to submit a proposal to l...

I did it. I voted. And I'm moving on with life. I will know the results of primaries later on tonight, after I get back from my meeting. But one thing is bothering me--as a Baha'i, I do not participate in partisan politics, so I check "decline to state" as my political affiliation. Usually, this is not a problem. But for reasons that I fail to comprehend, my lack of political affiliation was an issue when I got to my polling place. I still don't know what happened, but from what I can make out, the Republican party didn't want my independent vote. I would have to be a Republican to vote for any of their candidates. (Ahem. Angela, restrain thyself. You are a Baha'i.) Democrats would accept my vote. They apparently don't care--Dem, independent, Green, Purple, Libertarian, Peace and Freedom, PETA, Bathe, Communist...well, maybe not Communist. Or Bathe. Whatever. The Dems will take anyone's vote as long as they darken the circle or punch ...

By Red Grammer © 1994 Smilin' Atcha Music, Inc. I used to think I knew Everything I needed to I know how crazy it sounds Thank God He led me 'round To where I took a mighty step And left all I was sure of Walked off a ledge sight unseen With no idea of where it was leading And now I'm Free Falling..... Oh I'm filled with the sound Of where it is that I am bound And I'm trying I've never looked behind Since I've learned to fly I took my step faithfully I took it like I knew Exactly where I was going But it is surely new for me And here I am in panic Here I am awash at sea Asking God to help me through The very thing I needed to do It's a Free Falling......I know I have my lessons too And I have my bridges to burn And I have my roads I must leave behind..........I'll ...