My message to California State Senator Jim Nielsen, Fourth District

First, Senator Nielsen's message to me:

Senator.Nielsen@outreach.senate.ca.gov	:36 PM (7 hours ago)
to undisclosed recipients

Dear Ms. Shortt:

Thank you for contacting my office to convey your support of Senate Bill 622 (Monning), a bill to add a one-cent-per-ounce tax on various sweetened beverages.  I appreciate hearing from you and having the opportunity to respond.

SB 622 passed the Senate Governance and Finance Committee on April 24 by a vote of 5-2. The bill subsequently passed the Senate Health Committee on May 1 by a vote of 7-2 and is now awaiting a hearing in the Senate Appropriations Committee.  I voted in opposition to this bill when it came before me in the Senate Health Committee.

This tax is supposedly intended to compel individuals suffering from excessive weight gain or obesity to pay for the cost of the health services their related health risks may require; however, the tax also falls unjustifiably on those who do not suffer from issues related to obesity.  A fairer way of managing this risk would be to allow insurers to impose surcharges directly related to coverage for certain health risks such as obesity and tobacco use.  SB 622 also relies on the notion that the Legislature should assume the responsibility for controlling or penalizing through taxation a variety of life choices or activities it deems appropriate. 

Additionally, California already has some of the highest taxes in the nation - the highest personal income tax, state sales tax, gasoline tax, the eighth highest corporate tax, and high property taxes (even under Proposition 13) - and among the very worst business climates.  Last fall voters passed Propositions 30 and 39 which together are expected to collect nearly $70 billion over the next 7 years.  This year alone, my Democrat colleagues have introduced at least 21 new measures that either increase taxes or lower local voter thresholds to make it easier to raise taxes, with many of those taxes being on businesses that will ultimately be passed on to consumers and reduce citizens’ disposable income.  Additionally, it is important to note that this bill was specifically written to impose the soda tax at the distribution level, making the total cost of the product also subject to sales tax – a tax on the tax.

For these reasons, I do not support SB 622 as written.

If you are interested in tracking this or any other legislation, you can access the bill text, status, analyses and vote records from my Senate homepage at www.sen.ca.gov/Nielsen.

Again, thank you for writing.  You are welcome to communicate with me on other issues of particular interest to you.

Sincerely,

JIM NIELSEN
Senator, Fourth District

And here's my response: 

Thank you for writing to me, Senator Nielsen, I very much appreciate your time, and I am honored that you have read my concerns. As someone who has suffered and recovered from morbid obesity, I fully understand the costs of this disease, financially, physically and emotionally. There is no price tag large enough to estimate the actual cost of obesity in terms of medical care, time and production loss at work, and the physical, mental and emotional toll the disease takes on the patient and his or her family. Make no mistake, it IS a disease as classified by the American Medical Association.  Perhaps it is considered a "lifestyle choice" by some, but trust me, it is a horrendous existence. I wouldn't "choose" that disease for my ex-husband, who is the last person I would ever want to see again in my lifetime, even if tomorrow turns out to be Armageddon.

Here are the facts as I see them. The food lobby is extremely wealthy and powerful, especially here in California. I'm sure I don't have to tell you why this great agricultural state would have food lobbyists making the rounds in Sacramento.  Morbid obesity has skyrocketed since processed foods, in particular, high fructose corn syrup, has become more plentiful, and non-genetically modified food has proliferated in the supermarket aisles. In a newsletter published by The Center for Food Safety in May 2012 called Nutrition, Obesity and Processed Food, the authors write:

Estimates are that the food industry spends at least $36 billion a year marketing its products.5 The chain restaurant industry has played an especially vital role in encouraging Americans to rely on cheap, fast, and unhealthy foods. About one-half of all meals are now consumed outside of the home and research indicates that people eat less healthfully when dining out.

This paragraph was rather alarming to me was because even though I was at one time 200 pounds overweight, I refrained from sweetened soft drinks because they gave me headaches. Apparently, my preference is unusual, and it might have saved me from having an additional health problem, Type 2 diabetes :

Of particular concern is America’s love affair with sweetened soft drinks. Americans drink more than twice as much soda today as they did in 1971. One-half of the U.S. population consumes sugar drinks on any given day, and 25% consumes at least 200 calories (more than one 12-oz can of
cola). Males drink more than females and teen boys consume the most. An incredible 70 percent of boys aged 2-19 drink sweetened drinks every day and adolescents (ages 12–19) consume a whopping 273 calories per day from beverages. The science is clear that excess consumption of soft drinks contributes to obesity and type 2 diabetes, among other health problems, and is associated with overall poor diet. 

I respect you, Senator Nielsen, but I must say that I was quite surprised when I read this part of your letter to me: "This tax is supposedly intended to compel individuals suffering from excessive weight gain or obesity to pay for the cost of the health services their related health risks may require; however, the tax also falls unjustifiably on those who do not suffer from issues related to obesity." I've heard this argument before, however, obesity is only one health issue that has a direct correlation to processed sugars such as the high fructose corn syrup used in soft drinks. A rather fascinating study conducted by Elmhurst College demonstrates how sugars like high fructose corn syrup, which the soft drink companies have been using in their products since 1971, contributes to tooth decay. Other reports, which I personally consider to be less reliable, say that high fructose corn syrups and other sugars contribute to anemia, osteoarthritis, and high mercury levels. These studies would have to produce a lot more peer-replicated and reviewed papers before I would cite them, but I think my point is obvious: the main ingredient in soft drinks is high fructose corn syrup causes more health problems than obesity. To say that obese people should be the only ones to singled out for higher healthcare costs is rather disingenuous. Using your logic, we should also charge those who have extraordinary amounts of cavities, too. High fructose corn syrup affects the obese consumers as well as thin ones. Please do not say that you have never seen a thin person with cavities before. A statement like that would be insulting to both of us.

Now, on to my next concern, which is this sentence: "A fairer way of managing this risk would be to allow insurers to impose surcharges directly related to coverage for certain health risks such as obesity and tobacco use." I'll be blunt here: I find this position frighteningly callous. For all of its considerable wealth, California has an unacceptably high rate of citizens who do not have health insurance. You have stated that "California already has some of the highest taxes in the nation - the highest personal income tax, state sales tax, gasoline tax, the eighth highest corporate tax, and high property taxes (even under Proposition 13) - and among the very worst business climates." Be that as it may, California residents obviously haven't held the Legislature accountable for spending that money foolishly in the first place. Had we been more aware, and less focused on so Hollywood worship, we could have mobilized into action and averted this fiscal crisis. While it is never too late to make a course correction, Californians have a lot of garbage to clean up.  One example of the rubbish that is ours to clear is health care. In December 2012, The California Healthcare Foundation * wrote: 

In 2011, California had the largest number of people under age 65 without health insurance — 7.1 million — of any US state. The percentage of uninsured Californians has risen steadily over the past two decades; the state now has the seventh-largest percentage of residents without coverage in the United States.

The healthcare debate is an extremely complex one, and I realize this is not the proper forum to discuss that cumbersome issue. I will say, however, that I am weary of the complaints that California is overtaxed and unable to effectively provide for those unfortunate citizens, unlike those live in Massachusetts and find coverage under Massachusetts's General Health Plan. They already have devastating medical bills because of repeated emergency room visits and related health issues. How sad is it that Massachusetts, which has less than half the population of California and an even smaller state budget, can manage to provide healthcare for its most needy and vulnerable residents. California can do better for its citizens. As I see it, California residents have deceived themselves in believing that our legislators have our best interests at heart, and we have been deluded by those who have been bought and those who have done the buying. We will have to remedy that situation over the course of several elections.

However, I am sure that the health insurance corporations will be ecstatic if you favor imposing higher premiums and co-pays for obese patients. I predict that you will hear from their representatives in the Capital soon, if you haven't already.

Thank you so much again, Senator Nielsen and your hard working staff, for taking the time out of your busy schedule to respond to the petition I signed. I am honored to be the recipient of your commitment to interact with Californians, and humbled that you would share your thoughts with me.

Best regards,
Angela D. Shortt

So Accurate It's Scary

I didn't publish this post for almost two month because I wanted to find a quote that the Baha'i who first introduced me to the Faith told me about many years ago. Thanks to Chad Jones, who, in an extremely devoted and praiseworthy effort to be of service to both the Baha’i Faith and the world, recently updated that very invaluable Baha’i Writings  (and other religious texts) search engine, Ocean, I was finally able to find it. My Baha'i teacher, Don Erby, said that The Guardian of the Baha’i Faith, Shoghi Effendi, was talking to Rúhíyyih Khánum (his wife), about the role the United States would play in ushering in a new world that will be guided by the teachings of Baha'u'llah. During a fireside meeting during the mid-80s, Don paraphrased what the Guardian said: "America will lead the rest of the world to Bahá'u'lláh’s Administrative Order not because it is worthy, but because it is the most corrupt." Apparently, I reacted the same way his wife, Amatu'l-Bahá Rúhíyyih Khánum ( an American born, second generation Baha'i whose birth name was Mary Sutherland Maxwell) reacted: with a slack-jawed, open mouth look of surprise. Don laughed, as he usually did when I was stunned by something he said, and moved on with whatever it was we were initially talking about.

Here is what Don was referring to: an excerpt from Rúhíyyih Khánum’s book, The Priceless Pearl. I can’t claim that I understand everything in these passages. I only pray that by posting this, the ones who are more knowledgeable than I will read this post and give their perspectives of its meaning, in hopefully straight-forward, easy-to-understand terms for the readers who are not familiar with the Bahá'í  Faith.

Shoghi Effendi's exposition of the teachings on the role certain nations have been called upon to play in history at the inception of the Bahá'í Cycle was illuminating, thought-provoking and often at sharp variance with our own limited understanding. The reason Persia was the Cradle of the Faith and America the Cradle of its Administrative Order was based on the teaching that the greatest power in the world is the power of the Holy Spirit, a divine alchemy which can transmute the base material of copper into the precious metal of gold. In {The Advent of Divine Justice} the Guardian educated us in this fundamental truth: "To contend", he wrote, "that the innate worthiness, the high moral standard, the political aptitude and social attainments of any race or nation is the reason for the appearance in its midst of any of these Divine Luminaries, would be an absolute perversion of historical facts, and would amount to a complete repudiation of the undoubted interpretation placed upon them, so clearly and emphatically, by both Bahá'u'lláh and 'Abdu'l-Bahá." He goes on to say that such races and nations as are chosen specially by God must unreservedly recognize and courageously testify to the fact that they have been so chosen because of their crying needs, their lamentable degeneracy, their irremediable perversity, and not because of any racial superiority, political capacity or spiritual virtue. For such reasons as these the Báb and Bahá'u'lláh had chosen Persia to be the Cradle of the Faith and America the Cradle of its World Order. Through the fulfilment of this great law the glory of God is manifest and man is made to realize that the source of his own powers and glory is God alone. That members of "one of the most backward, the most cowardly, and perverse of peoples" should, when they accepted the Divine Message, have been transformed into a race of heroes "fit to effect in turn a similar revolution in the life of mankind", was proof of the regenerating spirit of Bahá'u'lláh's Revelation. The same principle applied, Shoghi Effendi stated, to America: "It is precisely by reason of the patent evils which, notwithstanding its other admittedly great characteristics and achievements, an excessive and binding materialism has unfortunately engendered within it" that it has been singled out to become the standard-bearer of the New World Order. "It is by means such as this", he went on to say, "that Bahá'u'lláh can best demonstrate to a heedless generation His Almighty power to raise up from the very midst of a people immersed in a sea of materialism, a prey to one of the most virulent and long-standing forms of racial prejudice, and notorious for its political corruption, lawlessness and laxity in moral standards, men and women who, as time goes by, will increasingly exemplify those essential virtues of self-renunciation, of moral rectitude, of chastity, of undiscriminating fellowship, of holy discipline and spiritual insight" which will fit them to play a preponderating role in the establishment of Bahá'u'lláh's World System.

When Shoghi Effendi was beginning to write {The Advent of Divine Justice} he was one day expatiating on this theme and suddenly stated that the United States was the most corrupt country politically in the world. (The bold italics are mine, not the Ms. Khanum's.) I was simply stupefied by this remark as I had always taken it for granted that it was because of our system of democracy and our political prominence that God had chosen us to build His Administrative Order! I ventured to remonstrate and said surely Persia was more corrupt politically. He said no, America was the most corrupt politically. He must have seen in my face how hard and unbelievable this new idea was for me to accept for he suddenly pointed his finger at me and said: "Swallow it, it is good for you." I swallowed it and kept silent and as he elaborated this theme, and when he wrote his memorable passages on it, and, indeed, in the course of years, I came to see clearly how he was enunciating, clarifying from the teachings, great spiritual laws and truths in which lie healing and strength for us if we but grasp them. We derive no advantage, as Bahá'ís, from having the wrong concepts, from colouring the teachings of the Divine Educator with our limited, prejudiced, environment-produced ideas. Nothing is improved or rendered more serviceable by distortion. That is why I think of these great themes, these statements of truth given us by the Guardian, as guiding lines of thought which enable us to see things as they are and obtain a correct understanding of our Faith.

This factual, realistic approach of the Guardian meant that he not only estimated the true force of the Cause but was also aware of its limitations at the present time. He never confused the two. In a letter to a non-Bahá'í youth leader in the United States, in 1926, he said: "We believe that the spirit of the Cause is gradually directing peoples and nations, and that all Bahá'ís are called upon to do is to persevere in their advocacy of the sublime principles revealed by Bahá'u'lláh. They will never hold aloof from the great humanitarian endeavours of the true leaders of public thought and always welcome every opportunity of raising their voice, in conjunction with other movements, on behalf of peace, truth and justice." In spite of this he had no illusions as to how much power we could wield. In July 1939 he wrote to the American National Assembly (representing the freest and most powerful community of the Bahá'í world) that they could not impose their will upon those in whose hands the destiny of the Persian Bahá'ís lay; that they were not yet capable of launching a campaign of sufficient magnitude to capture the imagination and arouse the conscience of mankind and thereby ensure the redress of the wrongs their persecuted brethren were suffering; that they could wield no power at the present time in the councils of nations commensurate with the claims and greatness of the Cause of Bahá'u'lláh; nor could they assume a position and exercise responsibilities that would enable them to "reverse the process which is urging so tragically the decline of human society and its institutions." (Ruhiyyih Khanum, The Priceless Pearl, p. 362)

However, the inspiration for this particular blog came from a reader, who commented on an earlier post that I called, "The-Should-Have-Been-Contest-Entry: May 27, 2045".

zxcvb wrote:

Angela, please consider reading (or rereading)"America Passing Through Crisis" by Shoghi Effendi. You can find it online (scroll down): http://reference.bahai.org/en/t/se/CF/cf-9.html

Perhaps you are already aware of the Guardian's comments on America with relation to the rest of the world and what must happen if the situation is not remedied. As this was written more than a half century ago (and the situation is far, far worse now) my belief is that the inevitable is nearing its climax.

Anyway, I hope you read it.

I did re-read the passage zxcvb was referring to, and decided to consolidate some ideas into this post since I started to write a different one six months ago, but failed to finish it because of some pressing health concerns (which hasn't been resolved, but I'm now getting the type of help I need). I am including only a portion of the passage, and I hope all of you will read the complete text by clicking on the link at the end of the excerpt:

AMERICA PASSING THROUGH CRISIS

Moreover, the country of which it forms a part is passing through a crisis which, in its spiritual, moral, social and political aspects, is of extreme seriousness—a seriousness which to a superficial observer is liable to be dangerously underestimated.

The steady and alarming deterioration in the standard of morality as exemplified by the appalling increase of crime, by political corruption in ever widening and ever higher circles, by the loosening of the sacred ties of marriage, by the inordinate craving for pleasure and diversion, and by the marked and progressive slackening of parental control, is no doubt the most arresting and distressing aspect of the decline that has set in, and can be clearly perceived, in the fortunes of the entire nation.

Parallel with this, and pervading all departments of life—an evil which the nation, and indeed all those within the capitalist system, though to a lesser degree, share with that state and its satellites regarded as the sworn enemies of that system—is the crass materialism, which lays excessive and ever-increasing emphasis on material well-being, forgetful of those things of the spirit on which alone a sure and stable foundation can be laid for human society. It is this same cancerous materialism, born originally in Europe, carried to excess in the North American continent, contaminating the Asiatic peoples and nations, spreading its ominous tentacles to the borders of Africa, and now invading its very heart, which Bahá’u’lláh in unequivocal and emphatic language denounced in His Writings, comparing it to a devouring flame and regarding it as the chief factor in precipitating the dire ordeals and world-shaking crises that must necessarily involve the burning of cities and the spread of terror and consternation in the hearts of men. Indeed a foretaste of the devastation which this consuming fire will wreak upon the world, and with which it will lay waste the cities of the nations participating in this tragic world-engulfing contest, has been afforded by the last World War, marking the second stage in the global havoc which humanity, forgetful of its God and heedless of the clear warnings uttered by His appointed Messenger for this day, must, alas, inevitably experience. It is this same all-pervasive, pernicious materialism against which the voice of the Center of Bahá’u’lláh’s Covenant was raised, with pathetic persistence, from platform and pulpit, in His addresses to the heedless multitudes, which, on the morrow of His fateful visit to both Europe and America, found themselves suddenly swept into the vortex of a tempest which in its range and severity was unsurpassed in the world’s history.

Collateral with this ominous laxity in morals, and this progressive stress laid on man’s material pursuits and well-being, is the darkening of the political horizon, as witnessed by the widening of the gulf separating the protagonists of two antagonistic schools of thought which, however divergent in their ideologies, are to be commonly condemned by the upholders of the standard of the Faith of Bahá’u’lláh for their materialistic philosophies and their neglect of those spiritual values and eternal verities on which alone a stable and flourishing civilization can be ultimately established (Bold italics are mine.). The multiplication, the diversity and the increasing destructive power of armaments to which both sides, in this world contest, caught in a whirlpool of fear, suspicion and hatred, are rapidly contributing; the outbreak of two successive bloody conflicts, entangling still further the American nation in the affairs of a distracted world, entailing a considerable loss in blood and treasure, swelling the national budget and progressively depreciating the currency of the state; the confusion, the vacillation, the suspicions besetting the European and Asiatic nations in their attitude to the American nation; the overwhelming accretion of strength to the arch enemy of the system championed by the American Union in consequence of the re-alignment of the powers in the Asiatic continent and particularly in the Far East—these have, moreover, contributed their share, in recent years, to the deterioration of a situation which, if not remedied, is bound to involve the American nation in a catastrophe of undreamed-of dimensions and of untold consequences to the social structure, the standard and conception of the American people and government. Citadel of Faith, Shoghi Effendi. Pgs 124 – 127.

There is absolutely nothing more I can say about what the Guardian has written. I’m looking forward to being educated, enlightened and inspired by your comments and questions, dear readers.

Hello, everyone reading this blog from the former U.S.S.R!

I haven't been doing this very much over the years, but I decided to take a look at the traffic statistics for this blog. What I found surprised me. Here's the overall pageviews for this blog:

Pageviews by Countries Entry Pageviews United States 8018 Russia 2733 Germany 849 United Kingdom 746 Canada 487 China 270 Ukraine 257 France 240 Netherlands 207 Australia 185

Now, the numbers for the United States are...well, not too surprising. I mean, I live here, and most of what I write about is decidedly American. Or, so I thought.

The blog post that has the most readers is one that I really didn't put too much into writing because it was a reaction to some very powerful memories and emotions that emerged during the process of detoxification from all flour and sugar products, and excess portions of food. I named that post, "Emotional Incest", and it is responsible for the most visits to this blog. That fact alone is extremely mind-boggling to me. Quite frankly, I posted that as a knee-jerk reaction to what I was going through at the time. I was pissed off at everyone and everything, a common reaction that addicts of all types have to the detoxification process. I wanted to blame someone for what I was going through, and when things were going wrong in my life, who got the blame? My mother. Yes, it's always the mother's fault, isn't it? I couldn't accept responsibility for the mess I made of my own life, the way sane adults should. I had to cast the angry, accusing finger at her, even though she did everything within her power and the very limited information she had available to her at the time, to help me with my binge eating disorder. It makes me sad that to think about how she definitely did try to help me, and how I didn't appreciate her efforts. But she was only human, and in my case, my food addiction is definitely "cunning, baffling and powerful", and pretty much beyond any conventional diet plan and/or traditional therapy. Of course, my mother didn't know that at the time. All she knew was that her oldest child (me) was rapidly blowing up like a Goodyear blimp, and my eating was out of control. She just couldn't help me, and that wasn't her fault. At that time, no one could.

Now, here's what really blew my mind--not only did the post "Emotional Incest" have the most visitors here in the United States, but it appears to have the most page views from people living in Russia. Russia? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!! That is just so uber super ultra COOL!!! Here I am, a "Cold War baby" who grew up on Air Force bases, attended schools run by the Department of Defense where we had regular atomic bomb drills because the U.S.S.R. was our "enemy", and, one of the biggest ironies of my life, folks from Russia are reading that post! I mean, my father spent his early years in the United States Air Forces as a radar operator tracking MiG 15s during the Korean War! I don't know what he would say if I told him that I have many people living in Russia who have visited on my blogs. Actually, I do know what he would say: "What's that, honey? What's a blog?" My poor dad has very little knowledge of the Internet. But he will probably chuckle and shake his head with amusement when I tell him that some of the writing I publish on the Internet has many readers who live in Russia.  And, I think, he will be happy about that. The Internet has done something that was once thought to be entirely impossible--bring the people of Russia and America just a little bit closer to the realization that we are all HUMAN BEINGS, and co-inhabitants of this planet. Not enemies, or mindless participants in an economic system as our politicians would like us to think, but real flesh and blood homo sapiens. In that regard, we really are the same.

But I can't even begin to speculate as to why "Emotional Incest" would garner so many page views in Russia. Quite frankly, I don't know enough about the culture and family life of Russia to see how there could be parallel "dysfunctional" issues within Russian families. Perhaps we have a lot more in common than anyone could have ever thought back in the Korean War, or even as recently as...yesterday. (I'm smiling right now, by the way.) Maybe somewhere in Russia, there was a little girl who grew up listening her mother complain about how her father, and even though it made her feel very sick inside, she felt it was her duty and responsibility to  not only listen, but to try to comfort and somehow help make her mother's life a little easier. And even though that little girl did her best to help her mother, ultimately she failed to help her solve her problems. And her mother was still very, very unhappy. And as a consequence, that little girl up feeling that she had failed in her quest to comfort her mother, and as she became an adult herself, watched as her mother became more and more angry, bitter and desperately unhappy. I really hope there has never been such a little girl growing up like that Russia. It's a very sad way to live.

So, I'm going to say my readers living in Russia, I say Zdravstvujtye! (That means hello, to my English speaking readers.)! Please say hello to me in the comment section, even if you write it in Russian. I can translate the words through Google, and even if I can't, say hello in your language anyway. I think it is so wonderful that you have read my posts, and I would absolutely, positively LOVE IT if you, as we say here in the U.S., give me a shout-out! I love ya!

All right, I had to do it! Here's a link to the The Beatles' song "Back in the U.S.S.R."!

If only....reflecting on the "House of M" and my life

There's something rather appealing about having a "do over" in life. I recently read the collected edition of one of Marvel Comics' big events called "House of M", which was actually published back in 2005, but I was too preoccupied with my various personal issues to read comics at that time. That hasn't changed, by the way. I still have many personal issues, but I'm working through them. Catching up on comics is one of my non-food rewards. Now, I realize comics isn't everyone's thing, but just bear with me for a moment.

I've linked to Marvel Comics Wiki explanation of the "House of M", but unless you're comic geek like me and know the characters and their backstories, it might not make much sense to you. But it is an example of the classic fiction story question: "what if"? Or specifically, the grief and remorse driven,"if only I had...." The central character of the story is Wanda Maximoff, who is also known as "The Scarlet Witch". She, like many characters in the pantheon of Marvel heroes, has had a pretty rough going in life. Her father is Erik Magnus Lehnsherr, aka, "Magneto".  Major bad dude, one of the very baddest of the bad because he controls all forms of magnetism. Just let the possibilities sink into your brain for a moment. In one of those fictional Marvel Eastern European countries called Transia, Erik Lehnsherr married a woman named Magda. Long story short, she left Erik after she witnessed him using his powers to kill some folks. However, she didn't realize that she was pregnant with twins, and right after Wanda and her twin brother Pietro were born, Magda died. They were eventually adopted by a gypsy couple, the Maximoffs, and raised until their mutant powers manifested themselves in adolescence. At that point, the not-friendly-to-strange-acting-kids townsfolk decided that the fate dealt to Dr. Frankenstein's monster was appropriate for Wanda and Pietro, so they ran them out of town with the threat of a most unpleasant death.

That's basically as much backstory as needed to make my point. Wanda's life had been filled with tragedies, and they didn't lessen once she became a member of the Avengers. In fact, the losses and tragic events seemed to compound over the years, and poor Wanda completely lost control of her mind. And to make the situation even worse, she lost control of her powers, which was originally the ability to cast probability- changing hexes, but later morphed into the ability to change ALL reality. Her teammates were quite surprised when they discovered she could do that.

Imagine that. The ability to change reality itself. What would I do with that? That thought struck me. Would I restart my so that I never grew up fat and with an extremely heavy dose of "fear, doubt and insecurity"? Would I have pursued a career in journalism, followed by an equally satisfying turn at teaching English and journalism to university students? That was the path that I was on when my insecurities became monstrous, and I invested my considerable emotional energy in a "rehabilitation" project, also known as "making a bad man good". Like so many women who engage in such hopeless projects, I became exhausted and very near a Wanda Maximoff-level breakdown (without the reality altering ability, of course). I learned, however, that I have no business trying to change another person. In fact, I have trouble changing myself.  But in my relentless pursuit of becoming another person's "savior" I lost just about everything--my career, finances, self-esteem. The only thing I "gained" was a lot of weight and a rapidly escalating food addiction. But somehow, I did emerge, albeit wounded and a bit more humbled. However, the thought did occur to me:, if I did have reality altering powers, would I have pursued my career rather than married with children? What effect would that have on my life and the people I love? Part of me says my family of origin and I would have been happier. But on the other we wouldn't have had my children in our lives, which has enriched all of us so much. In fact, I probably wouldn't have had any children at all. And it is doubtful that I ever would have married.

I did have a bit of insight into what it would actually mean to warp reality to suit my physical, mental and emotional needs. My family suffered a huge loss on December 12, 1988, when we lost Ricky, my youngest sibling and my only brother. It is an ache in my heart that has subsided with time, but has never gone away, A few years after he died, I had a very vivid dream that I still remember: Ricky was alive, and we were doing all the fun stuff that we had always done, and would have done if I had somehow been granted my self-centered wish. We went to the playground with my three children and his daughter, played tag and dodgeball, laughed a whole lot, went eat at our favorite Chinese restaurant, then came to my apartment to engage in one of our family's favorite pastimes--sitting around telling stories, laughing, teasing each other and dancing while to Parliament/Funkadelic blasting from the stereo. I remember feeling extremely happy and thinking, "I wish we could go on like this until Ricky and I are old and gray!"

Suddenly, Ricky started looking very ill, and I panicked. "Ricky, what's wrong? Does your head hurt? Should I call 911?" (It's ironic that I asked him that since he died of traumatic head injuries suffered after a car accident.) He got up and started walking toward my bedroom, with me following. He laid down on my bed, and I saw that he literally decomposing. I started screaming and crying, "No, Ricky, please don't go; please don't leave me!" With great difficulty, he turned to look at me and said, "Angie, you have to let me go."

I woke up sobbing. After twenty years, I still remember the details and the feelings that I had in that particular dream. It didn't seem fair or right. I just wanted to have more time with my little brother. Is that so wrong? I love him so much, and he was such a huge source of light and laughter in my life. Why would God take him away from me?

Over the years, I have come to understand a little more about the very useful spiritual practice of detachment. I am in no way perfect in this, in fact, I am very much a novice. But what I do know comes from a combination study of the Baha'i Faith and a 12 step program for food addiction.

Here is a section of a  prayer that I have prayed out loud and studied over the years:

Lauded be Thy name, O my God! I entreat Thee by the fragrances of the Raiment of Thy grace which at Thy bidding and in conformity with Thy desire were diffused throughout the entire creation, and by the Daystar of Thy will that hath shone brightly, through the power of Thy might and of Thy sovereignty, above the horizon of Thy mercy, to blot out from my heart all idle fancies and vain imaginings, that with all my affections I may turn unto Thee, O Thou Lord of all mankind.                           The part that I try to remember is that all times, I can fall deeply into my "idle fancies and vain imaginings", I and mistake them as being the true way of life for myself and others. This is not only very selfish, but unjust.  Looking back at the many disastrous choices I've made and continue to make in my life, I can't say that I know what's best for me, let alone for anyone else. I have to pray every morning, noon and night for help with making decisions that would helpful to me and those who are in my life, and I also check in with people who are also in recovery from food addiction. Let's face, my default mode in life is death by food. Clearly, that isn't what God wants for me.  If nothing else, I am grateful I don't have Wanda Maximoff's reality altering powers. The world according to Angela would be pretty messed up, even more than it is right now. The fact that life isn't based on my own "idle fancies and vain imaginings" is truly something to grateful for! (I have no idea what happened to paragraph format. All attempts to fix it have failed. This is an appropriate demonstration of how powerless I am to control many things in life!)

Wanda Maximoff aka The Scarlet Witch