About Love (Love Actually)
Due to circumstances beyond my intellectual capacity to understand, I've been considering the subject of "love" a lot more than I want to lately. I suppose there a lot of reasons, the best of which involves seeing and hearing so many people talk about it in public. Just yesterday, while I was transferring from a light rail train to a bus, I overheard a young lady gushing to two friends, "I'm SO in love with James! Don't call me later 'cause I'm gonna be with MY honey!" I tried very hard to contain the gag reflex. Please give me props for at least considering that it would have been an unseemly act, and quite rude. So anyway, I've been noticing the actions of young people "in love" (lust) and wondering, was I like that once upon a time? I can't remember ever declaring undying love for a guy in the presence of strangers, but I'm sure I've done things that were equally ludicrous, like threatening to beat up a girl for calling my boyfriend. Yuck. Bad memories.
In recent years, the world of scientific research has done all of us a great favor by discovering that the physical and emotional reactions that we have come to associate with "love" is nothing more than biochemistry, a complex physical process that originates in the brain. So in the interest of consolidating some the stuff I've read on the subject over the years, here's a run down of these chemicals, courtesy of Wikipedia.org:
Vasopressin – monogamy molecule (hormone) (Angela's editorial comment: Monogamy molecule? Do men really have this chemical in their bodies? Sorry, I know that's wrong. But I just couldn't help myself. I am a woman with a bit of relationship history, you know.)
responsible for creating intense loving memories during passionate situations. responsible for clarity of thought and alertness during passionate situations.
Endorphin - calming natural pain killer levels increase in response to touch, pleasing visual stimulus (as a smile), or after having positive thoughts. thought to be the main attachment chemical in longterm relationships.
From a 2004 edition of the St. Petersburg Times (online edition), writer Collette Bancroft delves into the subject of love, brain chemistry and a book by anthropologist Helen Fisher with this lead paragraph:
Romantic love really is all about chemistry, and on a brain scan it looks a lot like addiction. Evolution has hard-wired us to form long-term attachments - and to fool around. And those antidepressants that helped you get over your last romance might keep you from finding a new one.
There's that word again: addiction. Lest you start groaning and saying, there she goes again, there's proof that I'm not the only writer out there talking about it. Here' the URL: http://www.sptimes.com/2004/02/13/Floridian/The_complex_chemistry.shtml
I don't want to keep the broken record effect going, but seriously folk, we have issues. Our brains even work against us. It stands to reason why people jump from one addiction to another--we just want to feel good. Makes sense. Who wants to go through life feeling bad? There's just one tiny little problem with that concept. The good feelings are never permanent. Our brains never dish out copious amounts of those hormones all the time. They're stingy with the stuff, reserving it for special occasions, like when a well-dressed cute guy walks by and winks, or when your mother bakes homemade oatmeal cookies. Well, at least when my mother did that. (But the "what if" question lingers in my mind. If we could have the feel good hormones rolling in our systems constantly, what would happen?) Life is a mixture of good and bad, much to my own disappointment. I'm in the same bag as everyone else. I want full time elation, and if I can't have that, I'll take protection from all the "bad" stuff of life, aka, an anesthetizing agent like cheesecake. I can do "numb" much better than "life stinks and want to die".
So back to love. I find it a bit objectionable to trust a life-altering event such as "falling in love" to something as arbitrary as a hormone my brain manufactures primarily for procreation, something that I can no longer do anyway. Of course, I can't do anything about this fact of life, but it still bothers me. So now, when I feel that initial rush of attraction, I just tell myself, all right, it's no big deal. It's just a "survival of the species" hormones game. I'm not doing anything that your average squirrel running around on the east lawn of the California's state Capitol building does each spring. That's a very humbling thought, by the way. The fact that my brain, as far as hormonal reactions in the brain goes, is no better than a squirrel's is not very comforting.
However, my friends seem to think differently about me. They INSIST that deep down inside, there I have an "inner romantic". Some have begged me to write romance novels (Oh good Lord!) because I would be able to write very convincing male characters. Well, I'm flattered, but one of the primary rules of writing is "write what you know." That would be difficult since I've never been in love. I've had boyfriends, been engaged, married and I've felt that hormonal rush. But the stuff that writers describe in romance novels has never happened to me. It's kind of what I've read about a few methods of acting--you try on the character as if it were a costume, and you wear it for a while. But it's never a part of you. When I was going through those experiences, my thoughts were along the lines of, is this it? This is what the fuss is all about? Other times, I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing out loud. The role women are expected to play in the romance game is truly hilarious to me.
I've dressed up for dates with the help of friends, and I felt uncomfortable and ridiculous. The eye shadow and mascara made my eyes water, the lip gloss kept getting on my teeth, and my feet were resonating with pain after one hour in high heels. I can't live like that! I'd rather be relaxed in jeans, a comfortable shirt and shoes, and have a marathon talk session in a coffee house. It's not very romantic, hence my inability to be a credible romance writer. It's kind of a shame because the market pays nicely, once you get in the door.
Last week, however, I had one of those epiphanies, a revelation brought on by the presence of one of those opposite sex types who seem to pass through a woman's life for the purpose of bringing about a change of mind. No, I still loathe Valentine's Day and "chick lit". But I can compromise with those pesky hormones, and recognize them for what they are: a temporary high. I can enjoy the feelings that those hormones bring about as long as I DON'T GET ATTACHED TO THEM. It's important for me to remember that because I have an addictive personality. It's easy to get hooked on feeling good, and that giddy feeling does feel really, really good. But perspective is more important to me now. It's just a chemical product of the brain, Angela. Yes, he is a good looking man. Enjoy the moment and move on with life. Hormonal reactions can't be considered reliable indicators of a future relationship.
As it turns out, I seem to be the odd person out of the female gene pool from the beginning. My natal chart is filled with signs associated with masculinity (Sun in Aries, moon in Gemini, Mars and Venus conjunct in Aquarius.) I have only two female signs --ascendant in Taurus (practical but loving in a no-nonsense way) and Saturn in Scorpio (Scorpio, like Aries, is ruled by Mars, even though it is a water/female sign). There's basically nothing in me that allows me to whisper sweet nothings on the telephone or fully appreciate a gift of roses. (What's the point? They die after a couple of hours.)
OK, so I don't like dresses (I do compromise with skirts on occasion) and I never read fashion magazines or gossip about celebrities. But I've decided that an atypical personality like mine does have certain advantages. I can spot an insincere proposal from a mile away, and I can hang with any discussion of sports or scientific discoveries (I love PBS). Sweet nothings have no affect on me whatsoever, but an intelligent conversation with a man that is equally thought provoking and filled with humor is incredibly stimulating to me. I'm just being honest here. I'm literally the eternal tomboy.
In recent years, the world of scientific research has done all of us a great favor by discovering that the physical and emotional reactions that we have come to associate with "love" is nothing more than biochemistry, a complex physical process that originates in the brain. So in the interest of consolidating some the stuff I've read on the subject over the years, here's a run down of these chemicals, courtesy of Wikipedia.org:
Main bonding chemicals[30][31]
Oxytocin [C43H66N12O12S2] – bonding molecule (hormone): high levels correlate with strong pair-bonding. sometimes called the ‘cuddle chemical’. levels rise during kissing and foreplay, and peak during orgasm.Vasopressin – monogamy molecule (hormone) (Angela's editorial comment: Monogamy molecule? Do men really have this chemical in their bodies? Sorry, I know that's wrong. But I just couldn't help myself. I am a woman with a bit of relationship history, you know.)
responsible for creating intense loving memories during passionate situations. responsible for clarity of thought and alertness during passionate situations.
Endorphin - calming natural pain killer levels increase in response to touch, pleasing visual stimulus (as a smile), or after having positive thoughts. thought to be the main attachment chemical in longterm relationships.
From a 2004 edition of the St. Petersburg Times (online edition), writer Collette Bancroft delves into the subject of love, brain chemistry and a book by anthropologist Helen Fisher with this lead paragraph:
Romantic love really is all about chemistry, and on a brain scan it looks a lot like addiction. Evolution has hard-wired us to form long-term attachments - and to fool around. And those antidepressants that helped you get over your last romance might keep you from finding a new one.
There's that word again: addiction. Lest you start groaning and saying, there she goes again, there's proof that I'm not the only writer out there talking about it. Here' the URL: http://www.sptimes.com/2004/02/13/Floridian/The_complex_chemistry.shtml
I don't want to keep the broken record effect going, but seriously folk, we have issues. Our brains even work against us. It stands to reason why people jump from one addiction to another--we just want to feel good. Makes sense. Who wants to go through life feeling bad? There's just one tiny little problem with that concept. The good feelings are never permanent. Our brains never dish out copious amounts of those hormones all the time. They're stingy with the stuff, reserving it for special occasions, like when a well-dressed cute guy walks by and winks, or when your mother bakes homemade oatmeal cookies. Well, at least when my mother did that. (But the "what if" question lingers in my mind. If we could have the feel good hormones rolling in our systems constantly, what would happen?) Life is a mixture of good and bad, much to my own disappointment. I'm in the same bag as everyone else. I want full time elation, and if I can't have that, I'll take protection from all the "bad" stuff of life, aka, an anesthetizing agent like cheesecake. I can do "numb" much better than "life stinks and want to die".
So back to love. I find it a bit objectionable to trust a life-altering event such as "falling in love" to something as arbitrary as a hormone my brain manufactures primarily for procreation, something that I can no longer do anyway. Of course, I can't do anything about this fact of life, but it still bothers me. So now, when I feel that initial rush of attraction, I just tell myself, all right, it's no big deal. It's just a "survival of the species" hormones game. I'm not doing anything that your average squirrel running around on the east lawn of the California's state Capitol building does each spring. That's a very humbling thought, by the way. The fact that my brain, as far as hormonal reactions in the brain goes, is no better than a squirrel's is not very comforting.
However, my friends seem to think differently about me. They INSIST that deep down inside, there I have an "inner romantic". Some have begged me to write romance novels (Oh good Lord!) because I would be able to write very convincing male characters. Well, I'm flattered, but one of the primary rules of writing is "write what you know." That would be difficult since I've never been in love. I've had boyfriends, been engaged, married and I've felt that hormonal rush. But the stuff that writers describe in romance novels has never happened to me. It's kind of what I've read about a few methods of acting--you try on the character as if it were a costume, and you wear it for a while. But it's never a part of you. When I was going through those experiences, my thoughts were along the lines of, is this it? This is what the fuss is all about? Other times, I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing out loud. The role women are expected to play in the romance game is truly hilarious to me.
I've dressed up for dates with the help of friends, and I felt uncomfortable and ridiculous. The eye shadow and mascara made my eyes water, the lip gloss kept getting on my teeth, and my feet were resonating with pain after one hour in high heels. I can't live like that! I'd rather be relaxed in jeans, a comfortable shirt and shoes, and have a marathon talk session in a coffee house. It's not very romantic, hence my inability to be a credible romance writer. It's kind of a shame because the market pays nicely, once you get in the door.
Last week, however, I had one of those epiphanies, a revelation brought on by the presence of one of those opposite sex types who seem to pass through a woman's life for the purpose of bringing about a change of mind. No, I still loathe Valentine's Day and "chick lit". But I can compromise with those pesky hormones, and recognize them for what they are: a temporary high. I can enjoy the feelings that those hormones bring about as long as I DON'T GET ATTACHED TO THEM. It's important for me to remember that because I have an addictive personality. It's easy to get hooked on feeling good, and that giddy feeling does feel really, really good. But perspective is more important to me now. It's just a chemical product of the brain, Angela. Yes, he is a good looking man. Enjoy the moment and move on with life. Hormonal reactions can't be considered reliable indicators of a future relationship.
As it turns out, I seem to be the odd person out of the female gene pool from the beginning. My natal chart is filled with signs associated with masculinity (Sun in Aries, moon in Gemini, Mars and Venus conjunct in Aquarius.) I have only two female signs --ascendant in Taurus (practical but loving in a no-nonsense way) and Saturn in Scorpio (Scorpio, like Aries, is ruled by Mars, even though it is a water/female sign). There's basically nothing in me that allows me to whisper sweet nothings on the telephone or fully appreciate a gift of roses. (What's the point? They die after a couple of hours.)
OK, so I don't like dresses (I do compromise with skirts on occasion) and I never read fashion magazines or gossip about celebrities. But I've decided that an atypical personality like mine does have certain advantages. I can spot an insincere proposal from a mile away, and I can hang with any discussion of sports or scientific discoveries (I love PBS). Sweet nothings have no affect on me whatsoever, but an intelligent conversation with a man that is equally thought provoking and filled with humor is incredibly stimulating to me. I'm just being honest here. I'm literally the eternal tomboy.
Comments
I think that's a huge reason why the Baha'i Faith appealed so much to this seeker back in the pre-signed day - I loved the grounded, sensible, SPIRITUAL guidance the Writings offer regarding making heterosexual love last. I particularly like the pioneereing work of M Scott Peck in the original Road Less Travelled on the topic of the chemicals of chemistry. But maybe that's just cause I'm an Aquarian with an ascendant Aries and an Aries moon!
Such a pleasure to have a sister in recovery in the blogosphere. You speaka my language.
Love has been on my mind as well...just finished a sonnet that's partially about love...or the idea of love (I posted on my blog).
I like the chemistry lesson. I wonder how it relates to the physical serving as a mirror for the spiritual. True love is ultimately divine in nature and perhaps has its physical mirror if you will in the neurochemical processes you are talking about.
What do you think about that?
An Aquarian with an Aries ascendant and Aries moon? Awesome; I'd want to have you on my side when I have to do deal with the low-down dirty nasty folks of the world! Translation for everyone else: Don't mess with Pearl; she could knock you out! She'll flare up at first when if you say or do something really stupid, but cool off quickly and try reason and logic. If that doesn't work, well...you're on your own, buddy! Me, I'm just going to stand over on the sidelines and enjoy the fireworks! LOL!
I loved M. Scott Peck's "A Road Less Traveled". Is there another version of it? I read the book back in the 80s, so I don't know if he's updated it. The fact that Peck said we should make conscious, well reasoned choices about who we should love (romantically speaking) was a revelation to me.
But then, that's right along with what Shoghi Effendi said about getting to know someone through working together in service to humanity and loving them because of their character and aspects of their personality that complement you. All of that is pretty revolutionary in terms of romantic relationships, and very few people have done it, I think. But knowing and loving someone for their character, it seems to me, would ensure that there is a lot more substance than sexual attraction.
As my mother used to say, sex doesn't pay the bills. I say that it keeps you warm on cold nights, but it doesn't pay the bills. And besides, you can't help humanity and this planet by having sex. Okay, I have friends who would argue with me about that, but I ask them to go out and PROVE it. No takers, yet. ;)
Glad you are here, Pearl, you are definitely precious!
I hear you on everything! There's that public front that everyone puts forward--we tell people what we think they want to hear. Okay, I know I used to do that, in my days before Al-Anon and Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More". It's a little strange being yourself in the world--maybe you handle it better than I do. Sometimes I have to hibernate for a while just to make sure I'm still all in tact. I mean, I have my obsessions, too, like Parliament/Fundadelic, Marvel/Dark Horse comic books, Star Wars, Harry Potter...those ain't your typical Black woman past-times. You'll never see a Terry McMillan or Zane novel anywhere close to my person. At least not on purpose.
There's that word I hate--"typical"I've fought against it all of my life, yet part of me still wonders--if I just fit in a little better...men seem to like women who dress like Halle Berry...(and have Halle Berry's body)...maybe I should stop being so "tough", and try a little tenderness every once and a while. They're just thoughts, though. I have acted on any of them.
I'm sure there is a spiritual side to romance. We just haven't found it, yet. That will probably take a lot of study of all of the previous Manifestations of God, and what the Ba'b and Baha'u'llah have writtern. I've started reading "The Seven Valleys and "The Four Valleys", and just trying to understand the "Valley of Search" has been a mind-blowing experience. I understand that we are like Manjun, searching for our beloved, but we make the mistake of thinking our beloved can be found here in this physical realm. If that's true, what's the use of romantic love, and why do we seem to feel it is so important?
I'm not dumping those questions on you, Liz. Just thinking while typing, as usual. It seems to help me sort out things. Hey, you should try writing that romance novel anyway. I did. Seriously. But I don't think it's what people would generally consider it a "romance" novel because it involves the terrible consequences of being part of a, as you said, a "self-absorbed world". I was having some coffee this afternoon, took out my notebook and started scribbling away. Who knows? Maybe it's a new kind or "romance" novel!
Yep, like the song says, "I Gotta Be Me!" I'll try to remember the next time I start trippin' and say things like, "well, I do want to be me, but with Halle's body!" :) It's a woman thing, Phillipe, we trip like that at least once a month!
You bring up something I haven't thought about? If everything in this world reflects spiritual qualities in some way, how does all those bio-chemical hormones work into the scheme of things? Everything is essentially divine in origin, but I simply have a difficult time visualizing a divine purpose for those particular hormones. They are good for procreation, I suppose, but if you aren't doing that...well...aren't they a little too much of a nuisance?
Just random thoughts...I don't expect an answer, believe me!
My 3 year old recently selected Chinese Fortunes for a bunch of us and we liked what we got - I was analytical and thoughtful. A long time ago I took a Myers-Briggs test that said I was an IN(T/F)J - so I'm a "System Builder" and a "Champion" - that's at least as accurate as my "sign" of Aries with Scorpio rising, no?
Let me know if you want some thoughts.
Some people find it too elusive and some of them "get it" once they read Attar's Conference of the Birds (alas rare in English translation.) It's the original of which Baha'u'llah adapted as the basis of scripture.
Just a thought, also, dealing with the challenges those harmones represent is part of our spiritual development.
You did it, you used the "M" word! LOL! The wisdom of "moderation in all things" is something that I have to silently chant to myself during the day. And still, I forget about it. In a society that see nothing more than polar opposites most of the time, it's a profound paradigm change to utilize "moderation in all things." Yet, it's so necessary, especially for a compulsive person like me!
I've found that those Myers-Briggs test that I've taken reflected my astrological chart precisely. I was amazed to find that out. I can't remember exactly what my type was, I remember that I scored very high in intuitive ability, and very low in the judgmental category. Que sera, sera, I always say. I may be a space cadet, but I give people space to be themselves, too. My Myers-Briggs test results and my astrology chart came from two entirely different discuplnes, but they both said essentially the same thing about my personality type.
Also, when I come across some confusing segments of the "Seven Valleys", I will ask you about your thoughts on the book. I've also read parts of Attar's "Conference of the Birds", and I'm looking forward to learning more about the subject from you.
Re: TRLT, there is only one version I'm aware of too. By original I meant the first in the series, rather than any of his sequels - which incidently, had hilarious names like 'Further Along the Road Less Travelled' and 'The Road Less Travelled and Beyond.' Funny stuff.
Xena, hey that works for me! Come on...you may seem placid to others but really...how many people in your life REALLY try to make you angry? Seriously...don't you think think people know that they need to tread carefully around you? I know all about APPEARING to be placid; people make the same mistake with me all the time. Then someone does something really obnoxious, like slap a kid around in public, and the warrior woman springs into action. The world needs more woman warriors, Pearl! Claim your inner (and outer) warrior! The spirit of Quddus lives in us!
Re: TRLT, there is only one version I'm aware of too. By original I meant the first in the series, rather than any of his sequels - which incidently, had hilarious names like 'Further Along the Road Less Travelled' and 'The Road Less Travelled and Beyond.' Funny stuff.
"Further Along The Road?" I think "The Road" went on too long! :)
Where's the sonnet at?
LOL! Not this writer. I leave all that to the word smiths who have a better grasp of the subject matter and rhyming couplets! You know, people like Shakespeare, John Donne, Robert Browning, you...
:)