Yeah...and so, anyway...

I'm loving this! I used to watch this with my son, and I stumbled across it while surfing YouTube. Mark Hamill as Joker--just brillant!

First of all, I'm all done with work and school until the end of January. And I'm moving into a new apartment because my slum lord owner flat out refuses to do any repairs to this duplex. He'll be getting a tidy little notice from the City of Rancho Cordova in his mailbox about that. So all this is going to be behind me, and I get to focus a lot more time on some things that are really important. Like recovery. And core activities (ask your friendly neighborhood Baha'i about that. I promise that they will very enthusiastically explain it all.) Catch up on some reading and movie-watching. Sleep. Scream. Cry. Do Gestalt therapy. Beat up some pillows with a wiffle ball bat. And last, but definitely not least, write. I get six weeks to write to my soul's content, which includes blogging here and maybe on my myspace page. I forget that I have a myspace page most of the time, so I'm going to do a little revisiting of the site. So. You're probably...

One of advantages of learning to be a better Baha'i is becoming accustomed to the idea of service, namely, being of service to humanity. For me, this involves many activities that are spiritually and intellectually stimulating, yet challengeing. My normal mode of operation is to act impulsively, then resist all of the changes that come about in life as the result of my heedlessness. Don't look for the logic; it isn't there. However, being a Baha'i has caused me to slow down a bit and do some serious self-reflection before running out into disaster. It's also brought many people into my life who have become friends, teachers and mirrors for me. This a blog about the people, my Baha'i friends, who patiently help me find my own answers to seemingly unanswerable questions, and encourage me to continue asking. I serve on the Local Spiritual Assembly of Rancho Cordova, California, and I have grown tremendously as spirit in a body as the result of that service....

The assignment was to write four poems for my creative writing class next Friday. I thought I would share a few of them since I've had very little say lately. Most of my life is recovery these days, as it should be. But the process doesn't make for very good blogging material right now. It's just a little too intense. So this is probably the best alternative for the time being. Opposites with No Working Definitions Love/Indifference Generosity/Jealousy Red/Blue Kalahari/Antarctic Infatuation/aversion Spiritual/material Singularity/binary Woman/man You/me Months of Storms “I’m a moody …sometimes.” What did you say? What did you call yourself? As always, I cling to a few words of yours and become deaf to the rest. It’s not my fault you’re moody, however, I know I irritate you; your irritation is natural. Were you vehemently pissed at birth? Or did you learn to tell the world “F**k o...

This isn't about me, but I know someone who might be a candidate. Kind of wish it was me, but I'm being reminded day by day that I live a very unconventional life, and maybe an emotional convention like "falling head over heels" isn't something I can do. But I like the song, even if the video seems a bit odd to me. Kissing a monkey in a library? The point? Don't mind me folks; I'm just despairing having to do my night time rituals instead what used to be comforting to me. It'll pass. I just need to cry it out and pray some more.

The children in this video are cute, but since I'm a mom, I don't like the seductive imagery, f-bombs, and the depiction of gross materialism. All right, stepping down from the soapbox. The sky is the limit, my friend. You can have what you want, be what you want. Just trust that the Will of the Universe is looking out for you. It makes things easier, believe me. I'm the champion of resistance, and I've paid a huge price for it. I made it through T-Day, folks! Ya Baha'ul'Abha!

No, I don't. I'm actually quoting my co-workers. It's a slow day, and we're hanging out talking about what to say to obnoxious guys. I never thought about saying "I have a boyfriend who just got out of prison," or "My husband was just dishonorably discharged from the Army for assaulting his commanding officer." I just roll my eyes and walk away. No words needed, as far as I'm concerned. I get that cold, nasty BWC (black woman crazy) attitude sometimes. It began in high school, and every once and a while, that sista-with-attitude behavior resurfaces. Inapropriate behavior for a Baha'i, and I'm glad I don't have many opportunities to show that side of my personality. I'm consciously trying to be a gentle, loving, considerate person these days, and it ain't easy to change old habits. Especially when the changing is taking place at the same time I'm living without sugar, flour and excess portions of food. The way I've been...

Wow. Talk about Freudian slip. When I first typed the title of this post, my finger pressed the "R" key instead of the "L" key. Dark Anger. That fits. Now, most of you don't know Dark Angel. Forget about Jessica Alba's T.V. character, this Dark Angel has been around before Ms. Alba was even a zygote. She's a representation of my most basest, meanest animal nature, and she made her first Internet appearance about twelve years ago on a wrestling fan web site. (Long story, don't ask.) She has been, for the most part, kept under lock and key through my trust that God's way is the right way, even if I don't always agree with His timing. She lays low and feeds a continuous stream of invalidation of my physical being, which is very vulnerable to criticism. She loves that. What does she look like? Picture an eight feet tall very shapely and muscular female shadow being, dressed in a blood red skin tight outfit a la Marvel Comics with blazing yellow e...

Dark Angel!

This is as close as I'll get to candy this Halloween. I used to think this song was so cute when I heard it on the radio. The video is even cuter. Young guys talkin' about love...isn't it sweet? Yeah...that "love" thing...

I had what I thought was great idea for a blog yesterday afternoon. Unfortunately, it was lost to the puzzling haze that functions as my brain these days. What was it? Too many changes, I guess. But I wouldn't have it any other way. At least I think so. It's hard to tell what I think because all manner of toxic stuff is leaving my system. I was too sick to go to work for most of this week, and when I came back today, I was a bit overwhelmed. There were all the regular students in the tutoring center, plus what seemed to be a hundred more. Like I said, it's hard to think. I don't know if it was ten or a hundred. Whatever the number was, it was too many. Luckily, I was called in to do a workshop called "Preparing for the Writing Proficiency Exam". I could do the presentation on automatic pilot because I'm very familiar with the topic. I used to score that test when I was in grad school the first time. Not to mention that there were only two stu...

This says it all for me right now. It can only get better. Recovery, my life, relationships, my health, this planet. I believe this today. Thank you, Pearl. Indeed you are precious. (Yes, I do love this retro 80s song!) And thanks to the High Tide for his support, and Rose, Alice, Claire, Catherine, Cindy and Mari for being there on the phone when needed. Ya Baha'ul Abha'! Keep your head to the sky!

The sunshine is gone. All right, get out of your system--one, two, three: "Ain't no sunshine when he's gone..." Yeah, I know Bill Withers said "she", but in my case that pronoun doesn't work. But the sunshine is literally gone today. Cloudy, overcast, drizzling rain. Pretty much fits my mood. I guess if I'm going to be depressed, I might as well enjoy it. What else can a woman do on an overcast Monday afternoon at work when even her usual students aren't coming in for tutoring? Cue the melodramatic violins. This is Angela who's been two months without chocolate and five days without her other addiction. I didn't even know I STILL had the other addiction until this morning. I think I better dig out all of my old co-dependency self help books and re-read them. There's some concepts that either I didn't understand or unconsciously skipped over because I wasn't ready to face them. But that's life. When you are rea...

I wrote this for a creative writing class that I'm taking this semester for fun. The assignment was to write a piece of creative non-fiction, which was called "new journalism" back when I was getting my bachelor's in English. But it's been a great experience to be a class and writing in this genre again. My instructor advised that I do a hybrid graduate degree in journalism and English because that would create more job opportunities for me. Since I was a news reporter before children and I loved that job, I think I'll follow her advice. Summer in the Philippine Islands can be extremely pleasant. I remember the warm and humid days, but often there was a breeze blowing inland from the massive Pacific Ocean that kept the temperatures from rising into the triple digit range. The skies were clear blue and nearly cloudless, a personal requirement for a perfect summer day. From 1966 to 1968, my family lived on Luzon, which is considered to b...

Forget saying it flowers...the damn things die too fast. I've always said keep the flowers; give me the chocolate, but I can't say that anymore. So don't bring anything. As you can probably guess, I'm in a mood tonight and the moon isn't even full. Be thankful, world. You're safe. So instead of howling and transforming into a snarling, pissed off-hungry beast (which is what I was earlier, before yet-another-salad-I'm-so-sick-of-lean-protein-and-vegetables), I want to invite YOU, dear reader, into the treacherous and uncharted regions of my moods. It's Angela's Saturday night, and she's not feeling all right. It's a test, I know. And I'm saying prayers through clenched teeth. The following is a musical jaunt through one of the most terrible days I've had in a very long time. Let's start with this morning. I woke up in a state of alarm to the phone ringing: "Angela, I just wanted to remind you that there's a LSA...

In part, we're afraid to face the fact that daughters with eating disorders are carrying their mother's disowned pain and anger. Mothers have a powerful effect on their daughters' lives because girls watch their moms' every move. No matter how much mother's try to cover up their pain, they still serve as models for womanhood, and their daughters have a keen and vigilant eye. Too often the mother-daughter wound is based on unconscious enmeshment, a blending of boundaries, a failure to see where you begin and your mother ends. This failure creates self-destructive behavior that is played out on the plate. Preface to Women and Food Obsession: Fat and Furious by Judi Hollis, Ph.D. I was getting ready to leave for work one morning when my mother lifted her head off her pillow and pushed herself up from the pull-out bed in my living room where she spends most of her time when she isn't in the hospital. She looked at me with her eyes shining with an inexplicable mi...

Yesterday, the area that I live in held its annual convention to elect a delegate to the National Convention of Baha'i in the United States. Every year, the convention seems to get better and better for me. I'm understanding more about how the process works these days, and that is a blessing. I used to go to what was called district convention for years, and wonder why I was there. It wasn't that people weren't doing what we were asked to do during convention. It's just that my head was so cloudy at the time with all of my overeating, I really couldn't comprehend much of anything. That I was able to not only understand what was going on at convention, but also fully participate in the process is, to me, a miracle and testament to God's transformative power. I never realized how much overeating affected my thinking process and interactions with other people. The way I know that now is that some clarity has arisen from the act of remaining abstinent ...

Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be A POWER GREATER THAN OURSELVES. Obviously. But how and where were we to find this to find this Power? From chapter 4 "We Agnostics", Alcoholics Anonymous, the "AA Big Book" Thou hast written concerning the tests that have come upon thee. To the sincere ones, tests are as a gift from God, the Exalted, for a heroic person hasteneth, with the utmost joy and gladness, to the tests of a violent battlefield, but the coward is afraid and trembles and utters moaning and lamentation. Likewise, an expert student prepareth and memorizeth his lessons and exercises with the utmost effort, and in the day of examination he appeareth with infinite joy before the master. Likewise, the pure gold shineth radiantly in the fire of test. Consequently, it is made clear that for holy souls, trials are as the gift of God, the Exalted; but for weak souls they are an unexpected calamity. Th...

(A clarification for concerned friends: No, I'm not dying. I'll go if called, but in the meantime, I have way too much to do while I'm here.) 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me (King James Bible, Psalms) 8:6 Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. (King James Bible, Song of Solomon) 1:17 And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not; I am the first and the last: 1:18 I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death. (King James Bible, Revelation) Know then that "life" hath a twofold meaning. The first pertaineth to the appearance of man in an elemental body, and is as mani...

I dedicate this to the Jena Six. I'm praying for all of you tonight.

Much thanks to Liz, Los Angelista, for making me aware of this story. You know, it's strange. I hadn't heard of the Jena Six until Liz wrote on her blog about the case. And my father has been running CNN pretty much non-stop on my television for the past two weeks. I hear about OJ (and I'm tired of it), Iraq and Baby Bush and of course, Britney Spears. But no Jena Six. Not much on the local news, either. All right. Those of you who know me are guessing that I'm heated. Yes, I'm extremely heated right now, and when I get like this, I don't always make much sense. So instead of going one long, incoherent diatribe about racism still being alive and well in this country, I want to invite everyone who reads this blog to look the video. Then google Jena Six and read what has been written about this case while the rest of the country, myself included, has been sleeping. After you've read, watched and thought about all of it, tell me what you think. I ...