Taking care of myself

I wanted to post a picture of my wonderful grandson, Xavier, but for some reason it wouldn't publish. It's a shame because that picture represents so many things to me. Mostly love, the wonder of God and life, and hope for the future. I just love my grandson so much! He is a shining light in my life, as my children are. I bought a baby signs video so we can both learn how to do sign language. I wish I could spend more time with him, but then again, I'm not exactly healthy enough to keep up with a bouncing baby who has figured out that crawling is sublime, and can hardly sit still in my lap anymore.

I spent last night in ER. It turns out that I have more wreckage of my eating past than I ever imagined. I have a hernia that began tearing open before I had gastric bypass surgery. Of course, I didn't know. Listening to my body's "help me" signals has never been something I've done in life. The massive weight gains and losses stretched the membrane about my intestines, and I tore the hernia more in recovery because I ate vegetables the way everyone else in the program does-raw or steamed just a little so they are still crisp. Gastric bypass patients can't eat vegetables like that. I was throwing up my lunch and dinner for two months, and I didn't tell anyone. I especially didn't tell my sponsor because I didn't want her to think I was trying to be "terminally unique" and find away out of working the program. Yes, that is my stuff, not hers. I was more concerned with what she thought of me than what was going on with my body. Anyway, all that vomiting tore the hernia even more. And last night, I woke up heaving again and I couldn't stop. I eat everything mushy now, but apparently as the weight is coming off, more of intestines keep leaking out through the hole in the membrane. Funny, I kept wondering what that strange gurgling noise was. But did it occur to me to share this stuff with my fellow recovery friends, or with my doctor? No. I have to be knocked on my butt, apparently, before I put myself and my body first. It's a harsh lesson that keeps repeating itself because I'm "bullheaded".

So two things have to happen: the hernia has to be repaired surgically, and I have to eat really soft, bland foods for a while. Oh, and I have to cut down on how much I do each day. I already think that I don't do enough, compared to other people. But if I want to live, I have to do my program, take one or two naps a day, and when I hear that gurgling noise, lay down and gently place my hands over my intestines to put them back in place. This is my life in recovery. People keep telling me that it will get better. And I'm still taking their word for it.

If you've noticed, I'm being brutually honest here. That's where I am today, and even though it may be incredibly repulsive, it's what I'm doing to stay in reality. I'm accountable to God, myself, my program, family, friends and the world at large. Posting here is one part of my committment to accountability, not in the form of shaming myself, but in the spirit of if I'm real about what I do in my life, maybe someone else will take a look at his or her life and make a change. I hope whoever does that changes before their life is in peril. It really stinks to realize that the issues that I have right now are of my own creation. But I'm here. And I'm trying to take the next right actions to improve my life.

There was someone who posted a comment to one of my blogs that I deleted on accident. Please write to me again. I'm coming off 10 hours of intravenous morphine, and my fingers have their own ideas about moving across a keyboard.

Update: I posted a rage filled blog about having to physically take care of my mother. Well, another lesson that I need to learn is to totally trust God. The issue is slowly being taken care of because I did the footwork and asked the right people for help. Trust God. "In Him, let the trusting trust."

Ya Baha'ul Abha'!
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