What would you do?

Life just keeps going on...sometimes real good, sometimes not so good. Sometimes real bad. Real good: I'm still abstinent from all flour, sugar and excess portions. That is definitely a miracle, especially since I remember saying to friends that the only vegetables that I like are the ones found on top of a hamburger. That's not entirely true, but the only way I would eat salad was to drown it in ranch or Cesar dressing. I eat all types of vegetables now, and I can't say I enjoy them. I eat them because I'm supposed to, and I just want to get my meals over with. It's entirely God because my will says Angela would rather have a double cheeseburger with fries. Just for today, I pray every five minutes and I don't eat anything that I haven't committed to my sponsor. That's it, just for today.

And I have released forty pounds from my body since last August.

I guess I should be doing a happy dance, but I honestly don't care. I have other things to think about, like...life. "You have to show up for your life, Angela! You aren't present for your own life!" That's my sponsor talking to me. Details. I guess life is in the details. I didn't know that before. I didn't know a lot of things. For example, I have pretty sick. My doctor ordered some blood tests that required me to fast last Saturday, and my sponsor asked me why were the tests ordered. I didn't know. I have had some much blood drawn from my body over the past seven years that I just stick my arm out and let the technicians do their thing. Asking questions never occurs to me. I have a history of severe anemia, and I'm a post-op gastric bypass patient. I just assume that's why the labs were ordered.

"You mean you don't know?" My sponsor was confounded. "You're like a walking zombie, Angela, you don't even know what's going on with your health! You have to show up and take responsibility for your life!"

Yep. So that's what I've been doing. Learning how to show up for my own life. I do a great job of showing up for my parents, my children, friends...but I just go through the motions of doing my life. Except when I'm writing or teaching. I'm present for those activities. Otherwise, I do sleepwalk with my eyes open and my mind in an entirely different universe.

The structure and discipline of this program are forcing me to change all this. And believe it or not, the changes are harder than giving up chocolate or cheesecake. And far more devastating, emotionally. I started crying uncontrollably on my way to class earlier this week. I can't think of anything more embarrassing, especially since people kept asking me if I was ok. Yeah, I felt like saying. I'm in recovery, that's all. I love sugar and flour products and a man who hates me.

So, what would you right now? I want to hear from some people who know how to do the details of daily living.
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